leshon hara' and innocent bystanders

You are sitting at someone's table in a party or at a reception when people start speaking negatively about somebody else. In Judaism talking bad about other people is considered a very serious sin known as lashon hara'(the wicked's tongue). What do you do in that situation? You tell yourself: I won't say a word. But listening to leshon hara' is as bad as speaking leshon hara', because by listening you are seemingly approving it. Moreover, listening might be considered even worse that speaking, since you are giving an audience to the speaker. 

  

How can you avoid this transgression in such circumstances?

  

You have a few options:

  

1. You can rebuke the gossipers--making sure to do it in a respectful way. You can remind them that this is a serious Tora prohibition and that they should change the subject.

  

2. If you know that they will not listen to your words then, you should consider to get up and politely leave the table.

  

3. If you find this impossible, then you should prepare yourself to stand firm so that you will not be guilty of a great sin. Make sure to fulfill the following requirements: a. Try to not paying attention to the conversation and if you do, decide firmly in your mind that you will refuse to give credibility to anything bad you hear about any person. b. Make sure that your facial expression does not convey any hint of approval to whatever is being said. If possible, your expression should convey strong discomfort with the whole conversation. 

  

The above applies if one is innocently sitting at one's place when the leshon hara' conversation is taking place. However, if someone strolls through an area where he overhears such a conversation and stops to listen, that is considered a willful sin, even if one takes no part in the conversation and does not approve of it.

  

Adapted from: "Chafetz Chaim, a daily companion"

  

Interesting article for many parents, from NYTimes,  Ritalin Gone wrong ,  by  L. ALAN SROUFE

Conquering Lashon haRa impulses

Today is the 22nd day of Shebat , 5771

Consider the following situation: You are at a wedding reception and people at your table begin denigrating someone. One person turns to you and says: "Didn't you go to school with him? Was he always this way?"

Now you are faced with a difficult test. Will you attempt to change the topic, or will you succumb and add your piece of Lashon haRa to the conversation?

A difficult test? Perhaps. But it will surely be made easier if you give thought to the following advice. Take stock of what you are about to do. If you remain strong and refuse to speak Lashon haRa, there may be people who will consider you self-righteous, something that anyone would want to avoid. On the other hand, if you fail and speak Lashon haRa, you will have much more to deal with, for you will feel the guilt of having done something terrible and you will feel ashamed before the King of all Kings, God Almighty.

The Chafetz Chaim quotes the teaching of our Sages: "It is better to be considered a fool (by others) your entire life than to have haShem Almighty have you as a wicked person for even one moment."

Moreover: With time and consistency -if a person refrains from participating in collective Lashon haRa- he might influence and inspire his peers to act in the right way, not with lecturing words but with his own good example.

Adapted from Chafetz Chayim: a daily companion.

Dear readers: For a few days I will be posting HOTD that were sent last year. I hope B'H to resume shortly the regular method.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC | 130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024

LASHON HARA and dating

11th day of Kislev, 5771

Last week we explained that Lashon haRa, telling something negative about somebody else, is one of the most serious prohibitions and its effects could be devastating. We also mentioned that there are a few instances in which we are allowed or even required to speak up revealing certain negative information to prevent someone else's damage, for example, in the world of business. (See http://rabbibitton.blogspot.com/search/label/Lashon%20Hara)

In the area of Shiddukhim (dating) Lashon haRa could also be devastating. I know firsthand many engagements which were tragically broken because of Lashon haRa. Sometime people made negative comments 'innocently' and sometimes 'deliberately' out of jealousy, competition or resentment.

Lashon haRa in the area of Shiddukhim could be extremely destructive. So we need to act with even more caution than we do in the business world, because more (and more lasting) damage could be caused by Lashon haRa in the emotional dimension than in the financial dimension.

I would summarize the dynamics of Lashon haRa / Shiddukhim with two basic rules:

1. If you know of a 'serious/objective' matter that affects the person involved, you can reveal this information to the potential partner. For example any serious physical, mental or psychological health issues. But in other 'subjective' areas -where you apply your judgment more than your knowledge of certain facts -like 'compatibility', you should not interfere using Lashon haRa. Different personalities, for example, might complement each other and make for beautiful marriages.

2. THE GOLDEN RULE: In this matter, please, always seek the advice of an experienced Rabbi as a confidential counselor and an objective third party, who will help you to understand if the matter at hand should be considered a serious/objective matter which deserves to be revealed, or if it is a matter of your own subjective judgment, and therefore you need to let the parties decide by themselves.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC | 130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024

Preventive Lashon haRa

4th day of Kislev, 5771

Lashon haRa occurs when someone tells something negative about somebody else, even if the information is true.

We have explained that Lashon haRa is one of the most serious prohibitions and its effects could be devastating. However, there are some circumstances in which telling Lashon haRa is permitted, and even, mandatory.

The principle is that you could say Lashon haRa about A in order to save B from harm.

In the realm of business, for example, if B asks you about A's integrity, since B is about to engage in business with A, and you know beyond doubt, either by personal experience or by direct knowledge (not rumors!) that A conducts his business inappropriately, then you should tell B the truth about A, in order to protect B. Some rabbis would say that even if B does not ask you for a reference about A, if you found out B is about to engage in business with A, you must warn B.

When you tell B the negative information about A, you must make sure that.

1. You don't exaggerate the facts or overstate A's misconduct.

2. You really have a pure intention in mind: to prevent B from harm, and that you are not saying this out of feelings of revenge or resentment towards A.

The reader should consider this license with utmost seriousness, keeping in mind that our Sages compare Lashon haRa with matters of 'life and death', in the sense that Lashon haRa is often the cause of 'character killing'.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC | 130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024

LASHON HARA: When you’re constantly criticizing others...

Today is the 25th of Av, 5770

Kol Haposel Bemumo Posel (Talmud, Aboda Zara 70b)

There is a sound psychology in this Talmudic observation that if a man goes around constantly finding a particular fault in others, it is his own fault that he projects. Whatever blemish you attribute to another it’s probably a blemish that you yourself posses.

Unconsciously, unaware of his inadequacy and lacking the courage to change, a troubled individual compensates for his own fault by finding fault in others, thereby feeling superior to them and diminishing his own unconscious guilt.

It was said about politicians that ‘the louder they would scream about family values, the more likely they are to be found in a compromising situation in a hotel room in Las Vegas’ .

If you are obsessed about peoples’ actions in a very particular area or you’re too suspicious of their inner motivation and you can’t stop criticizing and talking badly about them, you might have a serious personal problem in that particular sensitive area which perhaps you’re not strong enough to admit…

For example: If you find yourself ‘obsessively’ critical of people giving Tsedaka (charity) to your Synagogue and you say to yourself (and to others!): “I’m sure he is given such amount of money just to show off that he is rich”. You probably have a “show off” problem so strong to solve that you’re unconsciously trying to hide.

Your impulsive criticism about others might reveal a great deal about the strongest flaws you should deal with.

LASHON HARA: Does it apply between husband and wife?

Today is the 18^th of Av, 5770

In his wonderful book, Shemirat haLashon, the Chaftez Chayim found it necessary to discuss the matter of conversations between husband and wife and the impact of Lashon haRa in their relationship.

What should a woman do if, for example, someone close to her tells her something derogatory about her husband's personality? Should she tell her husband about it? Should we assume that Lashon haRa does not apply between husband and wife?

Definitely NO!. The Chafetz Chayim warns that the rules of Lashon haRa should be strictly kept -especially between husband and wife- and that the consequences of not observing this Halakha might be devastating.

The classic example: Too often, big family battles have started by a husband telling his wife what his mother or his sister said about her, or by a wife men­tioning a criticism which her parents voiced at her husband.

A wise spouse should convey perfectly clear that negative talk about his/her spouse is completely unacceptable. And if one can't avoid listening derogatory information about one's spouse, at least one should have the intelligence not to 'report' back to his/her spouse!

Such situations would ultimately lead to resentment and distress and might cause unnecessary anguish and tensions in our families.

On building positive 'spouse - mother in law' relationship: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hm8KoF4XRgg

(Thanks to N. B. for sending it!)

LASHON HARA: Training ourselves to prevent Lashon haRa.

Today is the 12^th of Tamuz, 5770

'Giving the benefit of the doubt' (betsedek tishpot amitekha) is the best way to avoid Lashon haRa (negative speech) and all the things that cause it.

I'm coming out from the market with many shopping bags in both hands. I don't have a car. Suddenly, when I'm about to cross the street to take the bus my next door neighbor (who knows I don't own a car!) passes by and to my huge disappointment he does not stop to offer me a ride… My first 'impulse' is to think "What a bad guy!". That thought might trigger feelings of hatred (one Torah prohibition), seeking revenge (another Torah prohibition) and eventually making some negative comments about his terrible behavior to my friends and family! (third Torah prohibition).

The Mitzvah of giving the benefit of the doubt consists on stopping 'negative' thoughts before they become hatred, revenge and Lashon haRa.

When I see that my neighbor does not stop, I have to force myself to have second thoughts, this time advocating for him. Why didn't he stop? May be he didn't see me. Or maybe he wasn't going home, but somewhere else. To the doctor or to pick up his son and his schoolmates from school…

Giving the benefit of the doubt aborts the whole negative emotional process: hatred/revenge/Lashon haRa before it is born.

LASHON HARA: Avoiding Lashon haRa by giving the benefit of the doubt.

Today is the 5th day of Tamuz, 5770

The Torah instructs us to judge people giving them the benefit of the doubt (see last week's HOTD). By doing this we fulfill a very important Mitzva and we stop the root of Lashon haRa.

Illustration: A Rabbi is giving a speech. In the last row Mr. A. a respected member of the community is seating with a stranger. They seem to be good friends. While the rabbi is speaking, he notices that the two of them don't stop talking. The rabbi is a little upset. The talking continues. Actually every time the rabbi says something, Mr. A. talks without even trying to hide it! The Rabbi considers stopping his speech and demand from Mr. A. to be silent, but he knows this will greatly embarrass Mr. A. in public and decides to continue. You can see in the Rabbi's face that he is very irritated.

As soon as he finishes his speech he goes to reprimand Mr. A for his disrespect. To the Rabbi’s surprise Mr. A.smiles at him and before the Rabbi can pronounce a word Mr. A. says “Dear rabbi, great speech! Let me introduce you to my cousin, Gerard. He is from France and he does not speak a word of English. But I translated to him your whole speech!!!!”.

Train yourself to give the benefit of the doubt!

DO SOMETHING FOR ISRAEL

54 great ideas to help our beloved Israel: http://www.aish.com/jw/s/48884102.html

PREVENTING LASHON HARA: What is the best antidote against negative speech.

Today is the 28th of Sivan5770

To understand how to prevent negative speech let’s see how the Torah instructs us to judge other people. In our daily lives, we often make a character judgment even when we do not have all the information at hand... we naturally judge people in our minds, which eventually can lead us to talk about those people…. . Are they any guidelines as to how should we judge people?

The answer is: Yes. The Torah say that if somebody is a known Tzadik, an ‘exceptional’ person, a saint who 99% of what he does is good, when we don’t have the complete information, we must give him the benefit of the doubt and judge him favorably. From the other side, if somebody is a known evil person (rasha gamur) even if he seems to have a good intention, you should be suspicious of his ulterior motives. If the boss of the opposite gang smiles at you, run away as fast as you can!

But both cases are really extremes. Most people are neither saints nor killers… The question is: how to judge 99% those like us who do good things but also make mistakes…. The Torah says unequivocally: “betsedek tisphot amitekha” (vaikra 9, 15) “You should judge the average person as if he was a Tzadik” (the word betsedek is interpreted here as: “like the Tsadik”). In other words, always judge the average person giving him the benefit of the doubt.

LASHON HARA and innocent bystanders

Today is the 21st day of Sivan, 5770

You are sitting at someone's table in a party or at a reception and several people start speaking Lashon haRa. What do you do? As we have learned, listening to Lashon haRa is as bad as speaking Lashon haRa; how, then, can you avoid transgression?

You have a few options:

1. You can rebuke the gossipers -making sure, of course, to do it in a very respectful way. You can remind them that this is a Torah prohibition, Halakhically equivalent to munching on shrimp or bacon.

2. If you know that they will not listen to rebuke then "it is a great mitzvah," according to the Chofetz Chaim, to get up and leave the table.

3. If you find this impossible, then you should prepare yourself to stand firm so that you will not be guilty of a great sin.

Make sure to fulfill the follow­ing requirements:

a. Decide firmly in your mind that you will refuse to give credit to any Lashon haRa.

b. Make sure that your facial expression does not convey any hint of approval of whatever, is being said. If possible, your expression should convey strong discomfort.

The above applies if one is innocently sitting at one's place when the Lashon haRa conversation is taking place. However, if someone strolls through an area where he overhears such a conversation and stops to listen, then it is considered a willful sin, even if one takes no part in the conversation and does not approve of it.

Adapted from: “Chofetz Chaim, a daily companion”

LASHON HARA: Lashon haRa in business

Fair competition is permitted in Jewish law and practice. Jews basically believe in the advantages of free market, where regulations would be applied mainly to basic-needs products like food. If an item which is considered to be a basic need was overpriced above certain amount (15% - 20%) the courts (bet-din) might force the seller to reimburse a customer the extra money he has paid. Other than that, competition is allowed because lower prices and better quality will ultimately benefit the consumer.

But, is anything permitted in the name of competition?

In the business world, Lashon haRa is often spoken as a "marketing tool".

You may have observed this technique when asking a salesman for his opinion about a product and receiving, instead, a thorough denunciation of his competitor's merchandise. "Well, that's business," is often-heard as an after-the-facts rationalization.

Such reasoning is not an excuse for speaking Lashon haRa.

Maligning competitors' merchandise is an all ­too-common practice. The obvious motivation behind this is a desire to increase one's sales by minimizing competition.

Sometimes there is a second motivation at work: jealousy. Someone with a product to sell finds it difficult to accept the fact that a competitor has better merchandise­ or better prices. Speaking Lashon haRa is his attempt at convincing others of what he would like to believe — that his item is superior.

Adapted from: “Chofetz Chaim, a daily companion".

*Note: this statement should not be considered exhaustive regarding all the intricacies of Jewish law in monetary and commercial issues. It should serve only as an introduction to the concept of Lashon haRa in business.

LASHON HARA Gossip and revealing secrets

Today is the 29th of Iyar, 5770 (44 days of Omer. 6 weeks, 2 days)

Any information revealed in confidence should not be repeated.

The reason for this is obvious. Revealing a secret can have the same negative effects as Lashon haRa or gossip. If a person tells you, "I have a great business idea" and you pass this information on to others, someone may come along and make use of the idea. So harmful are such leaks that large cor­porations spend heavily on security to protect their private information.

Another potential fallout of divulging secrets is the risk of creating bad feelings. For example: Your sister informs you confidentially that she is planning to buy a house. A few days later, you casually mention this to your brother. What you did not anticipate is that your brother feels insulted because your sister did not tell him this piece of news. Just as with gossip, information which is related in confidence can cause animosity when passed on to another party.

Generally speaking, when someone is told per­sonal information, he should not repeat it even if the speaker did not mention that it is confiden­tial. This is the only sure way to avoid potential damage. What is seemingly a harmless piece of information may be explosive when repeated to someone else.

LASHON HARA: Repairing the Damage

Today is the 22nd of Iyar, 5770 (37 days of Omer. 5 weeks, 2 days)

One of the greatest gifts haShem has given the Jewish People is the ability to cleanse ourselves of our sins through Teshuba (repentance).
When we speak Lashon haRa we cause untold damage to ourselves, to our listen­ers and to the subject of our words. We should try repair the damage, at least to some degree.
If one has spoken Lashon haRa but his listeners did not believe what was said, then the sin is one between man and God. Teshuba in such a case requires just that the person regret his sin, confess it before God Almighty and accepts upon himself never to repeat it again.
If, on the other hand, his words were accepted as fact and it resulted in harm, then more is required.
For example: A person lost an opportunity for a promotion because someone provided unnecessary or inaccu­rate negative information about him. This constitutes real damage, both monetary and emotional. In this case the three-part Teshuba outlined above would not be sufficient. One would also have to approach the victim and ask forgiveness for having spoken against him and caused him harm.
Certainly, this is a very difficult thing to do, especially, for example, if the victim had been unaware that he was being considered for a promotion. Never­theless, neither YomKippur, nor death itself, can erase a sin between man and his fellow man unless sincere forgiveness is sought and granted.
(The founder of the Mussar Movement, Rav Yisrael Salanter, found difficulty with the above stated rule. He suggested that if by telling a person that we spoke negatively about him, we will cause him additional pain and distress, then perhaps it is better not to inform him).


Adapted from : "Chafetz Chaim, a daily companion".

LASHON HARA: Irreparable damage

Today is the 15th of Iyar (30 days of Omer. 4 weeks. 2 days)

One of the reasons our rabbis warn us so much against talking negatively about other people is because of the irreparable nature of this sin. Unlike stealing, for example, when hurting someone’s name or reputation, there is no possible reparation…

A famous Chasidic story illustrates the extent of the damage that Lashon HaRa can do: A man went about gossiping and telling malicious stories without restraint. Later, when he realized how much his tales had hurt people he felt remorse. He went to the Rabbi seeking repentance, saying he would do anything he could to make amends. The Rabbi told the man, “Take a feather pillow, cut it open, and scatter the feathers into the wind.” The man thought this was a bizarre request, but it was simple enough, and so he did it. When he returned to inform the rabbi that the task was done, the Rabbi said, “Now, go and collect all the feathers and return them to the pillow.” Again, the man went to do as the rabbi had asked, but found that the feathers had blown far and wide, and he was unable to retrieve even a handful. He returned to the rabbi, ashamed to admit he was not able to gather the feathers, certain that he should never have released the feathers in the first place. Knowingly, the rabbi rebuked him, saying, “Your words are like the feathers: once they leave your mouth, you know not where they will go, and you can never retrieve them back again. It is always wiser to guard your tongue and keep your words to yourself.”

LASHON HARA: our daily tests

1st of Iyar, 5770. (Rosh Chodesh Iyar).

TODAY IS THE 16th DAY OF OMER (2 weeks, 2 days)

Consider the following situation: You are at a wedding reception and some people at your table begin denigrating someone. One person turns to you and says, "Didn't you go to school with him? Was he always this way?"
Now you are faced with a difficult test. Will you attempt to change the topic, or do you succumb and add your piece of Lashon haRa to the conversation?
A difficult test? Perhaps. But it will surely be made easier if you give thought to the following advice aim. Take stock of what you are about to do. If you remain strong and refuse to speak Lashon haRa, there may be people who will consider you self-righteous— something that anyone would want to avoid. On the other hand, if you fail and speak Lashon haRa, you will have much more to deal with, for you will face embarrassment in the World of Truth, before the King of all Kings, God Almighty.

The Chofetz Chaim quotes the teaching of our Sages: "Better to be considered a fool your entire life than to have haShem Almighty have you as a rasha (wicked person) for even a moment."
Moreover: With time and consistency –if a person closes his mouth refraining from participating in collective Lashon haRa- he might even influence and inspire his peers to act in the right way not with lecturing words but with his own good example.


Adapted from Chofetz Chaim: A daily companion.