HONORING ONE’S PARENTS: The difference between ‘respect’ and ‘honor’.

Today is the 22^nd of Av, 5770

In The Torah there are two Mitzvot which regulate children/parents relationship. The first one is kabbed et abikha ve-et imekha “Honor your father and your mother”.

This important Mitzva is the fifth of the Ten Commandments. There is a second Mitzva (vaikra –Leviticus- 19, 3) ish immo veabiv tira’u “A man should fear/respect his mother and his father”. These two Mitzvot are different from each other and actually complement each other.

‘Honoring’ includes all what we must do for our parents: watch them and when necessary feed them and help them to get dress, take them out, drive them, etc. In other words: take good care of them.

‘Respect’, on the other side, is about what we are not allowed to do to our parents: we can’t call our parents by their name, we can’t sit in their seat, we can’t contradict them, etc.

In a practical sense, the Mitzvah of ‘respect’ applies mainly when we are young and we depend on our parents. A Jewish child observes a strict system of discipline and behavior which trains him to accept authority.

The second Mitzva, honoring, applies mainly when our parents are older, and (or when) they depend on us. We have a direct obligation to take good care of them. This Mitzva emphasizes the duty of gratitude and payback for those who fed us, dressed us, and took care of us when we were children.

THE SHABBAT TABLE. (Part 1) Friday night dinner and Parenting

Today is the 19^th of Av, 5770

"A core predictor of which families produce children who grow up to be described as "mentchen" (decent and good) children is the amount and quality of time spent by parents with their children.

In a fascinating series of studies that have recently received media attention, researchers have found a direct correlation between the number of times a week parents eat dinner with their children and the risk of abusing drugs. Families that eat dinner together once a week have children with lower risk for drug-abuse than those that never do.

With each increasing night that parents and children eat together, drug abuse risk decreases to the point that there is virtually no risk for drug abuse in families in which parents and children dinner together every night.

The importance of eating dinner together is not the 'eating' or dinner; it's the uninterrupted, focused interaction that seems to bear such valuable fruit" (from the book 'Balanced Parenting' by R. and D. Pelcovitz).

Shabbat dinner -among other things- creates a sense of belonging and responsibility: a young adult who spends quality time with his family will think twice before doing a wrong thing. Because he realizes that whatever negative action he might do, it will bear unwanted consequences to all his beloved relatives.

Shabbat dinner is a God-given gift -a night which enriches our souls and strengthens our family.

Shabbat Shalom!

Candle lighting 7:55 PM.

LASHON HARA: Does it apply between husband and wife?

Today is the 18^th of Av, 5770

In his wonderful book, Shemirat haLashon, the Chaftez Chayim found it necessary to discuss the matter of conversations between husband and wife and the impact of Lashon haRa in their relationship.

What should a woman do if, for example, someone close to her tells her something derogatory about her husband's personality? Should she tell her husband about it? Should we assume that Lashon haRa does not apply between husband and wife?

Definitely NO!. The Chafetz Chayim warns that the rules of Lashon haRa should be strictly kept -especially between husband and wife- and that the consequences of not observing this Halakha might be devastating.

The classic example: Too often, big family battles have started by a husband telling his wife what his mother or his sister said about her, or by a wife men­tioning a criticism which her parents voiced at her husband.

A wise spouse should convey perfectly clear that negative talk about his/her spouse is completely unacceptable. And if one can't avoid listening derogatory information about one's spouse, at least one should have the intelligence not to 'report' back to his/her spouse!

Such situations would ultimately lead to resentment and distress and might cause unnecessary anguish and tensions in our families.

On building positive 'spouse - mother in law' relationship: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hm8KoF4XRgg

(Thanks to N. B. for sending it!)